Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
