and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
