You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
