True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
