if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
