Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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