Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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