Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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