did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
