A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
as a side note pls kill me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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