I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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