he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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