I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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