Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
