i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
