I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
