I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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