I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
