I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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