I wish I could punch you in the face.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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