Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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