My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
