dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
