If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
