I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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