I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
