i think my mom watched the whole time
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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