Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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