My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
