I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Small penises have feelings too.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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