dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
