i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
