Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
