shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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