Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
