So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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