I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
