did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
