well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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