Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
