Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
