I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If I had your ass I would rule the world
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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