woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
