just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
