drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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