According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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