fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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