I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
