I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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