I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
